AMAZING BREAKING NEWS - JLR announces the return of Rover and Austin.

The Motoring World has learned from an inside source at Whitely, the Engineering and design centre of excellence for Jaguar Land Rover, that there is a number of projects, which have been giving the green light by top bosses, which means the return of Rover and Austin.

The insider, Mr Uhafin Allaph, stated that the project had been on going for a number of months, with the green light for the Rover and Austin brands the first to return, the first new model under this plan will be an uber cheap Austin, named Aprillfule, will be launched at the 2068 Goodwood Festival of flying cars, concepts have been spied undergoing testing under a Metro body cover.

The Rover, will be launched the following decade, and will have a 200cc engine with twin superchargers attached to a twin garrett Turbo, this will give the car a target time on 0-60 in 1 second and a top speed of 560 mph, and at 250mph, wings will appear along with a twin prop propeller, to move the car along at a swift and silent pace.

The Rover will be a modern upgraded SD1 form the 1970's as that was the last time a decent designed Rover was produced, along with this, they will restart production of the Rover 75 from 1999, in an unchanged form, they expect sales to be in the teens for this model, the Austin will be a minor facelift of the current Jaguar XA, the tiny city car that has two wheels, both at the rear, and an engine thats situated in the garage at home.

The XA4, is a luxury model, it has doors and a couple of windows, and a sound system from ASDA's new chav range, along with a Halfords Giant exhaust and comes with a baseball cap, Airwalk trainers and a burberry jacket & scarf.

They are expecting sales to top out at about 4 a month, once full production ramps up.

Further news from JLR, the Defender has been given a stay of execution until at the least 2050, there will be NO upgrades until then, as they fear upsetting the core Land Rover fanatics, that don't actually own any of their products.

The Evoque will spawn another derivative, after the convertible, it will grow a boot, the first car in Land Rovers history to have one, as the company does not know anything about a Boot, they have asked Boot specialist "Wellington" to assist in this area, the Discovery Sport has been such a disappointment for LR, they have taken one order for it, and that was from Gerry McGovern (company discount), so they have decided to up production and force everyone to buy one, or they will start to produce the 2nd generation Range Rover again.

The Jaguar XK will now not be canned, they will give it a new steering wheel, and call it the XK-SW, the price is now £155,000 and the only option you can now get is a seats, if you choose not to have this option they will supply free of all charge, for your benefit, two 1950's orange crates.

And lastly, i really do have to say this, as someone will undoubtedly believe all the above

HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY.